he is immediately disqualified.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize
He said, “This book is lit.”
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
So I just came in my pants
It was tense.
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
He's a small arms dealer
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker