bread…
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?β The guy replies, "Well that was my wifeβs seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.β The man says back, "Thatβs terrible, but couldnβt you get another close family member to come with you?β The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside of Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
Weβll see about that…
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
What do you call a bunker with multiple stories?
A layer lair.
What did James Bondβs mom say as she was giving birth?
Iβve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Whatβs the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didnβt beat cancer
Donβt spell part backwards
Itβs a trap
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!