BREAKING NEWS: scientists have discovered what might be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
If you have a threesome
You have the recommended six feet between you.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
Roman guy: You won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Second Roman: mmm? Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, “Tell me, why should you be released early?”
Inmate: It’s bec… Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have… Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?! Officer: Sure. Parole denied!
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph