Breaking: water glasses are part of the Deep State
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”
It’s where I flip your MOM over
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
