Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!