Brilliant!
What do you call an egg on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
Sperm bank
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Wait for it
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says: "Hey. Why the long face?"
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
Catto Corleone!
Catto Corleone!
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
My dumbass son thinks thereβs the letter F is in the word βwayβ
Thereβs no F in way.
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.
π΅π± π€πΈπͺ No problem, we fixed that for you.
π΅π± π€πΈπͺ No problem, we fixed that for you.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.