Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.