Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
The pencil works on things other than paper.
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
When the punchline is a parent.
Because they lactose.
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
He's fucking bananas.
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I mean, how low can you go?
He was high on my list of priorities
I mean… how low can you get!
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
About 15 seconds
I wonder what she is up to now.
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
Such a random way to start a conversation.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.