Bro
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
A college economics professor was up for tenure…
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.