Bro do you want a pamphlet?
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm…
I’m the CIEIO!!!!
Oregon Trail
You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
Is it just me or are circles pointless
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Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy – "$750" Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy – "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Joke
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?