Broadband bad.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iโm returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesnโt believe me.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. โSo what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.โ The second man says: โI arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.โ The third man says: โI arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.โ
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: โGod, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?โ Then God says: โYes. A million years is like a second to me.โ Then the man says: โSo if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?โ Then God said: โYes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.โ So the man says: โGod, can I please have a penny?โ Then God says: โYeah just give me a second.โ
A Cockroach and a Cricket were talking
Cockroach: Jiminy, you look so tired. What's wrong? Cricket: Well, Damian, my Firefly neighbor has kept me up every night for the past week with her loud music, and I have talked to the landlord multiple times, and he still won't do anything about it. Cockroach: Gosh, Jiminy, that must really bug you.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, โWe got him! We got him!โ
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"๏ปฟ
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests todayโฆ
โฆ I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
I once farted in an apple store.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.