Bromate
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
5 y/o me when I heard that two people with both the same name are in a serious relationship…
https://ift.tt/3cR7gIM
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”
The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.
