Brooo noooo I thought that was Barack Obama
How can you say something so controversial yet so brave?
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
The gmail app gets me
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Too much politics?
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
Any unused storage is wasted storage
Hail rm -rf
When two friends meet after long time
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
“I never understood wind” Donald J. Quijote
Microsoft developers can’t program
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
It’s not even funny
don’t be meaner to me than me
Boomer hentai IRL
Davy Jones’ locker that’s a “No”
Original Kirby Team asked to draw Kirby (circa 1992)
he has the ability to detect the truth
When it’s always someone else’s fault…
I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
Can i get an f in the chat
I shall bring order to the reaction!
I was applying for Australian citizenship.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
Fish rejects new friend
The least Christian President ever
Can you fix my ?
Time for some science memes
Bruh at my local restaurant
My grandparents have an interesting toilet paper roll
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
Technical service in a nutshell. Hope this hasn’t been posted before.
Get it? because it’s a vector
So much happier
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
Video Home Security Bad
Who are u??
The test results are in..
I like how his head is in the reservoir tip
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Before the crowbar was invented
Crows had to drink at home
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
Based on a true story
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
2020 First Years
How do you cut the ocean in half?
On clearance at Ralph’s after Valentine’s Day.
I entered 10 jokes in a pun contest hoping at least one would win.
No pun in ten did.
JUST A QUESTION.
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
A win’s a win
Don’t listen to your boss, join your union!
Grandma knows what’s up
75th day in Quarantine ….#newyorknico #paperboyprince #brooklynny
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!