BRUH
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
Thermoelectric generator
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
I was taking my first martial arts class
The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
