BRUH
Ive noticed an uptick in time travel jokes lately
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint…
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
One day a man goes to his wife and says “Honey, I’ve never said anything before, but I need to know. I’ve noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?”
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does." The husband says "Who is his father?" The wife says "You are."
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
The Ultimate Joke:
This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side