Bruh, one caption is good enough, don’t just throw em all on there.
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Scientist walks into bar with an apple…
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."