Bruh you’re saying the same thing twice
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
Before the crowbar was invented
Crows had to drink at home
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.