Brushing your teeth is essential
But I'm a grandfather.
it's the thot that counts.
They are so full of themselves.
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
They made a racist joke.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
He really gets a kick out of it.
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
You boil the hell out of it.
I was fired immediately
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
But most just have 4.
They're so full of themselves.
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
Yes, we arson.