BRUUHHHH IM DEAD 🤣🤣🤣🔥🔥👌👌
Americans really do hate the metric system.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
Is that you coffin?
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Because they make up literally everything.
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
Tell him Obama put it in
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
It's the neighborhood watch.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
You can hide, but you can't run.
At a second hand store.
I told him im patient
It’s all over town.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer. “No. I always give 110%”.
He's essentially a giant banner
They always quack the case.
A receding hare line
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
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Student: My dad is in the hospital 1 week later Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital? Student: Yes, he is a doctor
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
It was a Shih Tzu.