How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
I was told I should be a stand up comedian
But I prefer sitting
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.
God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand." Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left." Finally God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies "I believe you are in my seat".