buckle up, fellas
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Three disabled stranded men
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
Coronavirus
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.” The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile. “None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.” “Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. “Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!” Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!” The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in, “How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy