Bugs
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
The French fencer
There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match. One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point. The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over. He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game? The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
An old woman asks her husband of 60 years
"Honey, what did you think of me when you first saw me?". "My first thought was that I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry", he replied. "And what do you think of me now darling?", the old woman asked. "I think I've done a pretty good job"
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!" His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia