Bugs
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Ace your next code interview and flex on your coworkers with this one simple trick!
https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer