Build the wall
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
Is it just me or are circles pointless
No text found
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
My girlfriend objected when I tried to..
post our home made sex tape on PornHub, saying she couldn’t stand the thought of all those strangers masturbating over it. So I put it on Facebook instead.
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
He was delighted
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me