Building on top of legacy code
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed…
The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks: “Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?” “I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.” So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while… “Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry… I’ll be back.” Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal. “I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.” “Oh really? I wanna get some too.” So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him. “Hi monkey!” The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief: “Woooo… damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
COVID-19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
When is a hen just following the letter W
No text found
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself