"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
It was quite the spectacle
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
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What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
Because it is cheaper.
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
antibiotics will never go viral.
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
I noticed some real change in him
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
Ever try to iron one?
The plot thickens.
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
That would have been real crumby.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
He was really in a pickle.
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
To raise some dough