Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.” The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile. “None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.” “Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. “Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!” Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!” The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in, “How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.