Bullseye Boy!
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared