A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
An American Nativity
My friend David lost his ID
Now he’s just Dav
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
Speaking from experience
Here we go again
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
Schrödinger be like: I am confusion
A true visionary
What Im feeling like these days in c++ lessons
Tis the season
So I followed their advice..
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
The funniest part is the size of that number
I knew it!
It really do be like that…
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
Wife bad driver
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
⌨5+1 Tips for Developers |😝 The cringiest thing ever
How dare they!
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
I said the C word
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
Change my mind.
Yo what the fuck
It’s too much
New ideas of late 19 – early 20 century
Honesty is important
please help, I’m scared
Does this count?
What does a house wear to a party?
Social distancing with good boi = good
i saw this on someone’s computer
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
For those doing micro…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
Trump be wanting that bbc
It takes great patience when you’re dealing with a Trump supporter
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
Concerning the cowards that were in the Michigan capital yesterday:
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
In his grandfather’s overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
“boy, girl, time for dinner!”
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
Big Brain Time
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
"This is a stick up!"
Trump is certainly no christian.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset." Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"
Story of most of the programmers 🤔😂😂
Told my friend I wanted a cup of coffee.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
From my wfh training
Coronavirus: Trump says US in good shape to meet ‘peak’
Wife bad comic no.4785
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him