Bunch of clowns
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.