*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down.” The shocked owner replies, “what?! Because he’s cross-eyed?!” “No, because he’s heavy.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey…
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
