Burn unit please. We have an emergency.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.