But an antenna doesn’t go inside a USB port….
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
![[Meta] I definitely did not do this 😂🅱️💯](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/ns7j55bx8f821-400x300.jpg)
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I’ve read “ An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing ” twice and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up