“But bro I watched this doc and I know all about pesticides now bro.”
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and bitch." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
This sub is not meant for memes
This sub was and still is for boomer comics, things that boomers find funny, or straight up boomer garbage. I’ve noticed that many people are posting memes about boomer humor, which isn’t what this sub is for. Thank you
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
How many lemons grow on a tree?
All of them.