BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, It’s a piece of cake.
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?
A new last name.
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
