But choose wisely. You don’t want to “taint” your child’s blood
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?
My Korea is over
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Oh, you did not remember that scene? And now you feel disturbed because you are thinking that scene? Whoopsie doodle, my b.
Oh, you did not remember that scene? And now you feel disturbed because you are thinking that scene? Whoopsie doodle, my b.