“bUt cRoOkEd HiLlArY!!!”
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you’re a saint.
Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.
There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.