But he told him!
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
THE salesman story.
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:
Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole General r/nsfw r/nsfw2 r/TipOfMyPenis r/bonermaterial r/porn r/nsfw411 r/iWantToFuckHer r/exxxtras r/distension r/bimbofetish r/christiangirls r/cuckold r/dirtygaming r/sexybutnotporn r/femalepov r/omgbeckylookathiscock /r/sexygirls r/breedingmaterial r/canthold r/toocuteforporn r/justhotwomen r/realsexyselfies r/stripgirls r/hotstuffnsfw r/uncommonposes r/gifsofremoval r/nostalgiafapping r/jizzedtothis r/verticalgifs r/pantyslide r/pornogram r/oilporn r/bisexy r/riskyporn MILF r/milf r/gonewild30plus r/preggoporn r/realmoms Teen r/legalteens r/collegesluts r/adorableporn r/legalteensXXX /r/gonewild18 r/18_19 r/just18 r/PornStarletHQ r/fauxbait Amateur r/realgirls r/amateur r/homemadexxx r/dirtypenpals r/FestivalSluts r/CollegeAmateurs r/amateurcumsluts r/nsfw_amateurs r/funwithfriends r/randomsexiness r/amateurporn 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r/nsfwfashion r/leotards Bikinis r/bikinis r/bikinibridge Costumes r/nsfwcosplay r/nsfwcostumes r/girlsinschooluniforms Dresses r/WtSSTaDaMiT r/tightdresses r/upskirt Stockings/Socks r/stockings r/thighhighs r/leggingsgonewild Pants/Shorts r/Bottomless_Vixens r/tightshorts Yoga pants r/girlsinyogapants r/yogapants Underwear r/lingerie r/garterbelts Thongs r/assinthong r/AssholeBehindThong Professional/Sites r/suicidegirls Public r/ChangingRooms r/workgonewild r/trashyboners r/FlashingGirls r/publicflashing r/sexinfrontofothers r/NotSafeForNature r/gwpublic r/realpublicnudity r/socialmediasluts r/flashingandflaunting Trans r/Tgirls r/traps r/futanari r/gonewildtrans r/tgifs Gay: r/gaysex r/topsandbottoms r/lgbtsex r/gaykink r/gayBDSMcommunity r/gaygonewild r/gaybrosgonewild r/gaymersgonewild r/gayselfies r/gaybears r/LGBTgonewild r/bigonewild r/gayNSFW r/gayerotica Bondage r/forcedorgasms r/damselsindistress r/cuffed r/gagged r/abuseporn r/femaleorgasmdenial r/girlscontrolled Video r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.