but… I did all the important stuff
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y'know, one would've been enough.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor!!! Ha!
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
A man at a petrol station. (Longish)
A man was a petrol station. He fills up his car but spills some on pertol his arm as he puts the pump away. He pays and leaves. As he drives away, he lights a cigarette and his arm on fire. He frantically waves his burning arm out the window and a police officer behind him pulls over and helps him put it out. The man thanks him profusely. The officer says, "No problem but unfortunately I'll still have to charge you." The man asks, "charge me? What for?" The officer replies, "unregistered firearm."
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
