But Murica!
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
A college economics professor was up for tenure…
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.