Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
Not exactly discovered around 450 BC but whatever
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
See? It’s funny because he isn’t fashionable.
Old school programmer
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
I spilled water on my laptop.
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!” Silence followed….. complete silence… Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
What, you egg?
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Marketing these days be like
At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it.
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
An ancient mathematical joke
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
But my turnips…
BoTh ArE tRuE
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Libraries and their dependencies
Don’t be like Rand.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
Vintage boomer humor
Son’s out guns out
Database guys 🤣
Found some Facebook boomer gold.
Why not 10?
Apparent force gang
Not All Are Mindless Idiots
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
The pseudo science lover
Vote the kleptocratic turtle out
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Socialism is scary
From the local community funnies page
I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
Irony knocking at the gate
It says “it looks stupid but they’re finally listening to their teacher”
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
thicc eqal sign
Hit me right in the feels
Funny or Sad
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
The native app experience
Thyroxine is trying its best.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
Remember when cosmetic surgery was a very taboo subject?
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.
Good ol humans
What do you call dental x-rays?
Thought NZ would win the World Cup
poet or dev?
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
I’m trying my best..
Tomi just got burnt!
True true depiction of his wasted time.