bUT tAXAtiOn iS tHEfT!!!!!
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.
The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he goes to the sheriff just to make sure he isn’t breaking the law in anyway. He explains everything and the sheriff just laughs and says, “Of course those Russians are buying your potatoes, Russians love dictators!”
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said “Dad, I’ve got a joke for you.”
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
