But that’s trigonometry
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!”
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
How do you clickbait someone?
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