James Bond's doorbell
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said. “Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked. “the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted. The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
How many grams of creamer can I dissolve in a 60°c 330ml water?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Like every other year.
I said "No, it doesn't".
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
He disappeared without a tres
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
50 cent featuring Nickelback
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
I don't get it.
He was loafing around.
I'd tell you, but you wouldn't really appreciate thr punchline with Reddit's default font.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I will find you, I have contacts
but a lovely finish.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
They steal all of the bases.
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
He always finds them funny
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
You may be dyslexic
It hated the dark.
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
But then I realized that’s just nuts…
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!