“But they don’t speak ‘murican!”
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I have the heart of a lionβ¦
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
https://ift.tt/2tSJaME
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now Iβm going to jail.
Theyβre charging me with tacks evasion.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now Iβve just got beer…
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .
He tells the bartender βZZZ Iβm a cat ZZZ Iβm a catβ. The bartender says βYes sir you are.β The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says βWhy did you agree with him? That dogβs not a cat!!β The bartender replies, βSometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.β
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: βdo you know him?β βYesβ, she sighed. βHeβs my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasnβt been sober since.β βMy god!β, says her husband. βWho would think a person could go on celebrating that long?β
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors?
It had a reptile dysfunction.
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: Whatβs the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now iβm really scared of arson
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
My wife just said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
People say Iβm a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Two Watt Bulbs
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any?" "Any what?" "Yes please!"
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
Imagine having a president that doesnβt understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR