“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
That feeling of closing all the tabs
Next level comedy
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!” We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
devs on windows…
She’s not wrong
Scientist walks into bar with an apple…
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
If women ruled the world
; good, Tab bad
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
This ones not that bad
Yes, get out of the way
Date was cancelled due to corona, had to try.
You thought you could beat me?
someone’s lost it
Boomershumor in a nutshell
An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Does this count as boomer humor
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
My dad just printed this, dear god
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I wonder if she would take back the US
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
The call of the great outdoors is too strong
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
We’ve all been there.
BIG BABY INDEED.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
Hey, bro, can you hack a Facebook account
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
Shit just got real!!
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
How do snowmen like to travel?
As long as it compiles, that is all that matters.
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
“We never had an issue paying back loans, this is a millennial thing”
Dear God. I’m not even a millennial and this is gag-worthy.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Aritifical intelgennce be like
Now that to u think of it…
I feel sad and happy and the same time
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
Ice Ice Baby
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
WHO warns Europe over Covid-19
At least he wore a mask
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Nurses blocking anti lockdown protests
When you have a good regular expression
COVID-19 and Humanities Students
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
Climbing the ladder
Read the newspaper