“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it.
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted” he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive” he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved” he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, “a fool and his money are soon parted” in rage, the teacher got angry and said, “i want to send you to the principals office” he then replied, “ask and you shall receive” at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is tested” much to everyone’s surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
I proposed to my ex-wife
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.