BuT wHAt aBoUt tHe pReCiOus BeBeS?!
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
Strong Young Man
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
A slice of pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Butterflies
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
