Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.