What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner
My wife and kids HATED her!
A piece of rope walks into a bar
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you know that Diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.
He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken. "It isn't actually," the man replies. "You mind if I sit there?" "It's actually supposed to be my wife's seat, we haven't missed a Superbowl in 30 years." The man then asks why she isn't with him. "Well, sadly she died quite recently." "I'm sorry to hear that." The man says. "But you couldn't find a single friend or family member to sit with you?" "Unfortunately not," the man says, "They're all at the funeral."
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
The game is the 32X port of Virtua fighter if your curious
The game is the 32X port of Virtua fighter if your curious
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.