buttery emails!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
I hate two things
math
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
I was going to type down a cashier joke
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
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What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
