By all accounts it doesn’t make any sense…
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
The rotation of the earth makes my day
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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
A Canadian..
Can't.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
