By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
I was told to post this here.
This here.
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
